Beth Anderson, Children's Writer

Transforming a pile of information into story is a challenge. And then when you think you’ve done it, you learn it’s not working as you’d hoped. In this post, author Lori Alexander shares how she continued to revise until the story came alive. Her examples are informative, and the tips she leaves us with are golden! 

Giveaway: Lori is offering a picture book critique OR a 20-minute “Ask-Me-Anything” Zoom to one lucky commenter!

A Biography’s Journey: From Dry to Lively

by Lori Alexander

I grew up in San Diego, not too far from the Mojave desert, which stretches across southern California and reaches into a bit of Nevada, Arizona, and Utah. I loved visits to Joshua Tree National Park as a child, as well as now, with my own family. There’s so much to discover about the unique plants and animals that live in this special place. But only recently did I learn that the area had been in danger of destruction and was protected largely by the efforts of one woman, Minerva Hoyt, in the early 1900s. As an author, I wanted to tell her story! After lots of research—books, websites, magazine articles, more tips to Joshua Tree—I had a solid first draft. Unfortunately, it had one thing in common with the desert.

It was dry.

How did I take my fact-heavy manuscript from dry with a side of rejection to lively with a contract in hand? I wish there was one simple fix I could share with you. But revision takes time and many iterations. Same goes for the publication process. Here are some stats on the book’s journey:

May 2019: A draft of Cactus Queen: How Minerva Hamilton Hoyt Saved the Desert

and Created Joshua Tree National Park is complete at 1350 words. My critique partners agree that Minerva is worth writing about. I tweak a few sentences before sharing with my agent.

June 2019: After a few more minor changes, my agent submits the manuscript to 6-7 editors. Within the next several months, all will pass on the manuscript. Some editors reject because they’re scaling back on biographies. Others comment that the text feels “too wordy” or “too educational.” While editor feedback is subjective, there’s a common thread: they wish the text was “more engaging.”

November 2019: My agent feels strongly about the story and wants to share the manuscript with one more batch of editors. I don’t squander this second chance! I take a knife to the text and do some major revising. The word count drops to 1090. Here’s a sample of the original opening vs revised opening:

In the southwest United States, stood a vast desert named Mojave. It was filled with prickly plants, bare boulders, and twisted trees. The desert grew rough and rugged, as if nothing could hurt it.

Nearly 2000 miles away, in the middle of Mississippi, lived a young girl named Minerva. She was filled with manners and morals and music. At school, she learned the power of words. And how to speak with style and grace. The girl grew into a proper lady.

Vs:

In the spring of 1928, Minerva Hamilton Hoyt left Pasadena, California, with more than just her luggage.

She traveled with prickly plants and twisted trees; stuffed roadrunners, lizards, and coyotes.

Where was she going with this odd cargo?

February 2021: After being on submission for nearly a year, Carolyn Yoder at Calkins Creek makes an offer on the revised version of Cactus Queen. Yay! While this might seem like a long time, publishing is a slow business (and Covid bogged it down even more).

February 2022: My contract is now negotiated and signed (yes, another year…see above!). I get my first batch of revision notes from Carolyn, who wants to tighten the manuscript a bit more. For example, here’s the opening text after her suggestions:

Minerva tapped her foot and checked her watch. She was leaving Pasadena, California with more than just her luggage.

Minerva traveled with prickly plants and twisted trees, stuffed jackrabbits, woodpeckers, and cayotes.

March 2022: Original title is shortened to Cactus Queen: Minerva Hoyt Establishes Joshua Tree National Park

April 2022: Jenn Ely signs-on to illustrate. Over the next year, I’m able to see the progress of the art and make small tweaks to the text. These iterations are called “passes” and it will take seven total passes before the book is ready for print.

April 2023: With art and text nearly finalized, I send the file to an expert reader at Joshua Tree National Park. We get a thumbs up!

September 2023: Artwork (including cover & jacket flaps) and text are complete.

March 2024: Release!

From first draft to publication, the process took about five years. But without that “big revision” before the second round of submissions, this manuscript might not have found a home. Here are a few tips I followed to make this biography more engaging (and contract-worthy!):

• Bring a character to life through action. Instead of simply telling facts (like in my first opening page), showthe action unfolding.
• Narrow the focus. It’s impossible to include everything about a historical figure so highlight a specific achievement or moment. What was their lasting impact on the world?
• Save dry facts for back matter; dates, family background, side events can often be included in timelines or “More About” sections in the final pages.
• Hook kid readers! Use a simple voice and find a theme that today’s readers can connect with (Cactus Queen shows how one person can rally others to protect the environment, which gets kids thinking about their favorite places and how they can help keep them safe).
• Evaluate every word and cut what isn’t necessary (like things that will be shown in the art).

Here’s another before/after example from Cactus Queen. The “tighter” spread is 23 words shorter, which might not seem like much, but similar sharpening throughout will lighten a manuscript by more than 350 words.

But the tour took place on a cold March day. The desert was not yet in bloom. An icy wind whipped around the inspector and he shivered. After traveling over miles of dry, sandy land, he asked Minerva when they would arrive at her “park.” Where were the lush green trees, the roaring waterfalls, the crystal lakes? He was not impressed.

One month later, he filed a 170-page report. “It is believed that the area is not suitable for a National Park. It is not the outstanding desert area of the United States.”

Vs.

An icy wind March wind whipped around the inspector, and he shivered. After traveling along miles of dry land, he asked Minerva when they would arrive at her “park.” Where were the lush green trees, the roaring waterfalls, the crystal lakes?

Soon he filed his report: “It is believed that the area is not suitable for a National Park. It is not the outstanding desert area of the United States.”

When done right, biographies are a fabulous addition to a library, classroom, or home collection. If you have questions about writing or revising picture books biographies, please post them in the comments below.

Don’t forget to leave a comment below to be entered in the GIVEAWAY!— A picture book critique OR a 20-minute “Ask-Me-Anything” Zoom! (US addresses only, please. Winner announced 8/9/24)

AND 😃 when you enjoy a book, please support authors and illustrators by posting reviews online. 

In addition to picture books, LORI ALEXANDER writes chapter books about the fascinating history of science and medicine. She won a Sibert Honor Award for All in a Drop: How Antony van Leeuwenhoek Discovered an Invisible World, and A Sporting Chance: How Ludwig Guttmann Created the Paralympic Games was named a Kirkus Reviews Best Book. Her recent release, What’s a Germ, Joseph Lister?: The Medical Mystery That Forever Changed the Way We Heal, is a Junior Library Guild Gold Standard Selection. Lori resides in Tucson, Arizona, with her scientist husband and two book-loving teens. lorialexanderbooks.com

Lori occasionally posts to IG: @lorialexanderbooks or Twitter: @LoriJAlexander

Peek into or purchase CACTUS QUEEN here.